Cracktacular Klaroline
by venomandchampagne
Summary: A collection of my Klaroline crack drabbles from my tumblr. Don't worry, they are always very pro Klaroline, but also very pro snark. ;)
1. The Visit

**This is complete and utter crack, the idea for which came from chatting with goodinthewoods about why Klaus went to MF and how it lines up with TO. This is all under the assumption that he went there to get Esther's coffin at some point during the TO episode, cause that is the only hint they gave for their leaving on TO.**

**Since FFN is lame, pretend the underline text is actually strike-through.**

* * *

Klaus huffed and puffed as he dragged the large coffin behind him through the forest, catching on rocks and banging into trees. Good thing he didn't care about the state of the passenger inside.

He needed to get back to NOLA ASAP, he only had one commercial break a few hours to cross 950 miles, and he had already wasted too much time emblazoning his mother's coffin with the tacky Mikaelson crest they had apparently just started using always used but forgot to put on her coffin before.

As he made his way through the woods he suddenly spotted a familiar head of blonde hair. What was Camille doing in Virginia? No, that wasn't right, this person's hair was curly and much prettier, and their was no air of know-it-all-ness about her. Suddenly a memory came rushing back to him, then more and more. It was like he had completely forgotten the last two years of his life over the past few months and returning to Mystic Falls had suddenly cured his amnesia.

It was Caroline.

Trying to be discreet, he loved a good surprise, Klaus snuck up behind her, the coffin clunking loudly behind him. Caroline slowly turned around as he reached her, surprise clear on her face.

"Hello, Caroline," he said, finally remembering how he had promised to be her last love, and how he had never cared for anyone since he had been turned into a vampire before her and how ridiculous it was that he would ever dream of quickly finding someone right after leaving her.

"Klaus," she breathed, shocked to see him standing before her. "What are you doing here? And what the hell is that?" she asked, eyeing the coffin behind him.

"Oh, that's just Esther, I needed her body for something down in New Orleans," Klaus answered matter-of-factly.

"What?" Caroline asked incredulously, looking at him as if he had two heads.

"Yes, you see, I've run into some trouble with the witches and-" Klaus frowned. "The witches need-" he tried again, but found himself unable to finish a sentence. Something was keeping him from telling her what was happening in New Orleans.

Caroline now looked at him as if he were nuts. "Uhm, what?"

Klaus cleared his throat and tried one last time, "There's a magic prob-" but he was still unable to get the words out. Sighing, Klaus dropped the coffin unceremoniously to the ground. "Nevermind, sweetheart. What have you been up to? What brings you out to the middle of the woods?"

Caroline narrowed her eyes at him for a moment, eyeing him warily before she answered him. "I just needed to get away for a while. Too much drama," she sighed.

Klaus chuckled, he knew that all too well. Back in NOLA… Wait, what _was_ going on back there? Everything seemed fuzzy now. All he knew was he was supposed to bring the coffin there for some reason. Things became less clear the longer he stood there. _Perhaps the forest is enchanted_, he thought.

"I'm sure you and your friends will figure something out before you find yourselves in another mess, as you always do," he said smirking.

Caroline snorted but didn't deny it.

"Well love, I do need to be going, I wasn't planning on making this a long trip and I'm needed… elsewhere," he said, trailing off, clearly puzzled.

Caroline continued to look at him as curiously as ever, not sure what was going on with him. "Are you, are you sure you're okay Klaus?" she asked cautiously, taking a step closer towards him.

"Of course, I just have a lot going on. I think. I mean, I don't remember…" he tried, the fogginess of his mind making it hard to concentrate. "Everything is just so… strange. I can't think straight," he finished as his lip started to quiver. It was all so overwhelming suddenly! Klaus' eyes began to water as he struggled to remember what was going on in his life, but the harder he tried to remember, the further away the memories seemed to slip.

Caroline's eyes widened in horror as a tear slipped down the immortal hybrid's face. Was he _crying_?! "Oh my god," she whispered in pure and utter shock. What the hell was wrong with him? "Klaus are you, like, sick or something?"

Klaus sniffed and looked up at her, his eyes red, and not from hunger. "No, I just… Everything is so hard, Caroline, I don't even know what's going on any more!" he cried, starting to weep.

The blonde instinctively walked up to Klaus and slowly pulled him into a hug, awkwardly patting him on the back. "Uh, there there, it will be okay," she tried, wide eyed and utterly unsure of what was going on. She didn't even know why she was hugging him, but seeing Klaus crying just seemed so out of character wrong, she had to stop it. She would try just about anything to make him stop acting like a baby.

Unfortunately, Klaus continued to cry, leaning his head down against her shoulder. His body wracked with sobs as he leaned into her. Caroline could see no end to his odd tears as she stood there in the middle of the woods, holding the thousand year old hybrid. She would have to do something drastic to get him to stop. She racked her brain for ideas as she rubbed soothing circles on his back, trying to ignore the snot that dripped down her shirt.

One idea in particular kept coming to mind, but she continued to push it back. It was a terrible idea, he would never let her hear the end of it. Yet as the minutes ticked on and her shoulder got colder from the combination of the breeze and damp fabric the idea began to seem less out there and more like her only option. She ignored the voice in her head that said she would enjoy it anyway, and decided to just go for it.

Caroline struggled to pull back for a moment, Klaus's arms clutching her in an iron grip, like a child would to their mother after scraping their knees. Finally she managed to detach herself from him enough so she could pull her head a few inches away from his.

"Klaus," she said gently, trying to catch his eye. "I need you to snap out of it," she said firmly, her mouth set in a firm line as she gathered her determination.

Klaus sniffed as he barely opened his eyes to look at her. "But…" he said, his lips trembling.

Caroline sighed. There was obviously no other options left at this point, she would have to snap him out of it. Violence was not an option, he was acting so oddly, almost as if he wasn't even canon Klaus anymore, she had no idea how he would react. That left only one thing.

She steeled herself and slowly leaned in, ignoring the butterflies in her stomach. She closed her eyes as she pressed her lips to his own, allowing herself a moment to enjoy the feeling. She pulled back when the taste of salt became too strong, invading her still closed mouth. She looked up at him hesitantly, hoping that she had finally broken through to him.

Klaus' eyes were wide as he looked at her. To say he was surprised was an understatement. He had barely been able to enjoy the kiss, so consumed with… whatever it was he had been feeling that made a grown man/hybrid cry like a baby.

Caroline smiled gently at him as the tears stopped flowing. "Good, see? All better. Now, maybe you should head back to New Orleans or whatever and uh, do whatever it is you need to do," she said in a slightly patronizing voice.

Klaus dumbly nodded as he obediently bent down to pick up the coffin and heft it onto his back. He watched her slowly back away and give him a small, confused smile before she flashed off into the woods, leaving him alone.

Klaus moved off himself, picking up speed as he went. As he crossed the town line the fog lifted from his mind. He suddenly remembered why he had to bring Esther's body to NOLA even if it still didn't make any sense. He also remembered everything else that was going on in that terrible city and he felt the tears prick at his eyes once more.

He shook his head in refusal as he pushed himself to move faster. No, he couldn't cry again, she didn't like it when he cried. Wait, 'she' who? Klaus tried to remember who, but again his thoughts were foggy. He couldn't remember what had happened in Mystic Falls. No matter, he had important things to do in New Orleans. Nothing in Mystic Falls could be as important as his kingdom. Perhaps he needed professional help with this memory business? He would have to ask that psychologist about it once this witch business was taken care of, surely she could help him. After all, she was so good at throwing psych 101 terms at him understanding him.


	2. Klaus vs Joseph

**A Klaroline Vision Wednesday prompt from queenblairstiara on my tumblr (klarolinesbuttons) just after that interview Joseph gave about Klaroline being over- Klaus corners Joseph Morgan in NOLA and punishes him for talking smack about Klaroline being just a casual fling.**

**Because let's be honest, we all wish this would happen.**

* * *

Joseph awoke to find himself chained to a bed in an unfamiliar room, his head aching; the last thing he could remember was sitting outside a coffee shop in NOLA on his day off, and then everything had gone black. He desperately looked around the room, hoping it was some kind of joke of Daniel's, but much to his horror found himself looking into the face of, well, himself.

"What- who are you?!" he rasped, wincing as he jostled his head in his attempt to get away from his… doppelganger?

The other-him chuckled darkly, a familiar smirk present on his face, but not one that belonged to Joseph, no, that look belonged to- "You can call me Klaus," he said smoothly, his voice deceptively calm as he stood from the chair next to the bed. "And we're going to have a little chat, _Joseph,"_ his voice sending shivers down the human's spine.

"What kind of joke is this?" Joseph spat, his mind racing as he tried to think of how he would be able to get out of this situation and away from this clearly insane person.

"Oh I can assure you this is no joke," Klaus said, his voice taking on a sharp edge, "just like that interview you did was no joke," he growled, stalking over to the bed, hovering over Joseph.

"What, an interview, what are you going on about? You're crazy!" he cried, pulling at his restraints again, quite futilely.

"Only crazy about Caroline!" Klaus growled, and Joseph gasped as the man's eyes turned golden, a double set of fangs protruding from his mouth.

"What the bloody hell is going on?!" the human cried, trying to shift as far away from the… creature before him as the chains would allow.

Klaus' eyes returned to normal as he pulled back slightly, the smirk back on his face. "What's going on is we're going to have a little chat about how you're going to pull your head out of your ass, you and your compatriot Julie Plague or some such, and make this thing you call 'Klaroline' happen. _Now." _he said, the threat clear in his voice. "Because I've grown quite tired of waiting, and, as you well know, I am not a very patient man. And it's best for everyone involved if you give me what I want."

Joseph could only lay there and stare up at… _Klaus._ He had no idea how this was happening, how this was even possible, but clearly something was going on that was beyond his comprehension, and he should probably play along; for now.

"Now that we have that settled," the… hybrid? said, "let's discuss how you believe that 'Klaroline' should end and how I'm going to change your mind."

And as the man with his face moved in again, his eyes flashing yellow once more, Joseph knew two things for certain: one, this was not going to be pleasant, and two, Klaroline was going to happen, regardless of what he thought.


	3. Klaus vs Klaroliners

**A Klaroline Vision Wednesday prompt from escaily on my tumblr (klarolinesbuttons)- Klaus has a supernatural-esque experience in which he ends up in the real world and meets the (currently angry) Klaroline fandom  
**

**I like to think this is what would happen if TO Klaus happened to appear in our world, and what would happen to him if the fandom found him.**

* * *

The world began to fade and blur, becoming just a swirl of colors around him as the chanting of the witches grew fainter, until there was only black for a long time, how long Klaus couldn't tell, then suddenly the bright light was blinding him. He threw his hands up before his eyes, realizing that he was no longer chained down, and he sat up, finding himself in a large room, hundreds of chairs facing a stage where a long table sat, microphones and bottles of water situated in front of each seat at the table.

Klaus continued to look quizzically around the room, wondering how he had ended up here after last being chained down in a graveyard by those damned witches in New Orleans, when suddenly a group of girls entered the room, talking animatedly together. They stopped short when they noticed him, going silent and staring at him wide-eyed, until a few of them began shrieking and the group ran towards him.

The hybrid backed up until he hit the stage, warily watching the females as they formed a semi circle around him, clasping their hands in excitement and giggling.

"Oh my god, Joseph! We didn't think you'd be here before the panel!"

"This is so exciting!"

"Can you sign my dvds?"

"Can I have a hug? Please!"

Klaus narrowed his eyes, what was going on, who was Joseph and why did all these young women desire to be in his company? "I think you have me confused with someone else, loves," he tried, attempting to move away slowly.

The group only moved in closer at his words, some squealing in delight, some blushing and murmuring about being called 'love.'

When the barrage of questions continued, Klaus began to lose his patience, his temper getting the best of him. "I don't know who you ladies think I am, but I really can't help you," he ground out.

The last straw was when one of the girls tried to reach out and grab him for a hug, and Klaus couldn't have that, so before he could stop himself he had jerked back, growling as his eyes flashed yellow, causing the group to gasp and take a step back.

For a moment, at least.

Much to his shock, the atmosphere in the room immediately shifted. If Klaus had still been a human he would have been afraid. The group's attitude shifted into one of hostility, narrowed eyes and crossed arms now surrounded him.

"He's not Joseph," one of them spat, "he's _Klaus."_

In all his years the hybrid had never heard his name spoken with such disdain, and that was saying something. Suddenly, they all began speaking, actually shouting was more accurate, at him at once.

"How could you do that to Caroline?!"

"What's _wrong_ with you?!"

"Whatever happened to 'however long it takes'?"

"How the hell can you be interested in Caroline 2.0, aka Camille when you could have the real thing?"

"After your magical sperm did its thing, was another consequence of becoming a hybrid losing your balls?"

"How can you just forget about the epicness of Klaroline?"

"Does everyone in New Orleans suffer from amnesia?"

Klaus found himself at a lose for words. Who were these women? How did they know so much about his life? The mentions of Caroline tugged at his undead heart, but he had to push those feelings aside, like usual. "Listen, I don't know how you know these things, but-"

"Oh no, you're not talking your way out of this, dude."

"Yeah, not when we have you right where we want you."

He wasn't sure how it happened, but for the second him that day Klaus found himself tied down, this time to a chair. His restraints were ones he could easily break through this time, being mere electrical chords the now-mob had found around the room, but he chose to stay put until he knew what they were on about. Better to know what was going on before acting.

"Do you have it queued up yet?"

"Yup, all set!"

"Alright _Klaus,"_ his name dripping with disdain from the girl's lips, "we're going to show you a bit of a… Klaroline compilation, if you will. Won't take more than a few hours. And hopefully you'll have regained your senses by the time we're finished. Hopefully for your sake that is."

Klaus wasn't sure what he had expected, but it was certainly not this. He spent the next four hours watching video after video of him and Caroline in different situations, most accompanied by music. Some he remembered, the ball, feeding her his blood, an uncomfortably large amount of scenes from that time in the woods, and some he did not, those were "AUs" as the women called them, things that they wished would happen between them.

Klaus had experienced many forms of torture in his life, but everything else paled in comparison to this. He was openly weeping by the time they were through, crying her name and asking for forgiveness.

"Well, have you had enough?"

"What are you going to do when you go back home?"

Klaus looked up at them with teary eyes. "I'm going to find Caroline and do whatever it takes to be with her, everyone else be damned. I swear it!" he cried, truly meaning it, his purpose clear.

As he said the words the girls began to cheer and hug each other, and Klaus' world began to twist and fade once more, until the blackness gave way to the familiar cemetery.

Ripping off the chains, Klaus pulled himself up and flashed off, headed east, and he did not stop until the familiar Welcome to Mystic Falls sign came into view, silently thanking those strange girls for setting him back on the right path.

* * *

**Send me any crack!prompts you may have in a PM or on tumblr!**


	4. Kol Does Revenge- Part I

**AKA The Destructive Duo**

**I wrote this one (and its sequel) for the Klaroline Fools event on Tumblr on April Fools 2015.**

**You can thank realynn8 on tumblr for this one. She wanted some Kol and Caroline bonding, and what better way than over a mutual enjoyment of making Klaus suffer?**

* * *

_The Destructive Duo._

Kol named them that, though the others would have chosen more colorful words to describe the two vampiric mischief makers. But Kol said alliteration was more annoying and Caroline couldn't argue with that.

The Original had originally suggested "The Debauchery Duo," but Caroline had quickly shot that down. Playing pranks on Klaus was one thing, practically alluding to being some sort of sexual deviant in league with his brother was another. And not one that she had any desire to see the outcome of.

No, Kol and Caroline's relationship was purely nonsexual; no matter what Kol might try and convince you of otherwise. "You" mostly being Klaus, of course, which irritated the hybrid to no end, which, also of course, was why Kol continued to do so.

But that was the whole point, wasn't it?

It had all started after Klaus and Caroline's first major fight after she had moved into the Originals' home. Klaus had tried to eat one of Caroline's male 'study buddies' and things had just gone downhill from there. There was a lot of screaming and cursing (the non magical kind, of course), vase throwing and door slamming, silent treatments and eye rolling. It went on for weeks before Kol, finally fed up with it all after their fighting interrupted his liveblogging of Big A's reveal, approached Caroline with a much better solution.

Revenge.

Well, not really revenge as she had always seen it, involving blood and death and things that would ruin your shoes. No, Kol's idea of revenge was more like an elaborate series of pranks. Thinking on it later, Caroline realized that her definition of revenge would probably change too if those she most sought to rain it down upon were her four immortal siblings who couldn't be killed (without a lot of effort, of course).

So, pranks it was.

It only took Klaus waking up covered in maple syrup (pure Vermont maple syrup, Kol accepts no substitutes) and ostrich feathers (Kol had said those were a bitch to procure) and Caroline had immediately felt better. Klaus' sticky and enraged face had been her Facebook icon for months after, his internet humiliation furthering her amusement and curbing his desire to snack on attractive male college students (that Caroline knew about, anyway).

If Kol had ever thought his assistance and their pranking would be a onetime thing, which he certainly didn't, that thought would have been dismissed the moment her phone snapped the incriminating picture and she asked him what filter looked best.

And so it continued. Whenever either was slighted by a member of their inner circle, i.e. someone they couldn't just kill, the other was there to help them seek their vengeance.

The pranks were mostly (usually) harmless. Things that would leave no lasting impression, save in the victim's mind (and often on social media). Things like switching Klaus' paint colors around so he ended up ruining his broody painting of a grey rainstorm with hot pink streaks of what was going to be lightning; replacing his blood bags with random animal blood; throwing red socks in with his whites (though the fiirst time had been an accident. This was a bonus prank because it also annoyed Elijah to no end. The fit he had thrown when they had turned his favorite designer button ups pink had been a sight to behold, and one that definitely made an exceptional Vine); replacing his musical collection with gangsta rap; replacing his sketch books with My Little Pony coloring books (that one had been Caroline's idea and Kol must admit it was a great one); switching all the paintings hanging around the house and watching Klaus have a conniption; replacing his classic literature collection with young adult romances, especially ones with sparkly vampires and sulky werewolves; and moving the paintings he's working on off the easels and pinning up some paint by number pages in their place.

One might think Klaus bore a disproportionate brunt of their pranks, but that was just not the case. The hybrid was just the most deserving of punishment, having spent a thousand years doing exactly as he pleased with little to no consequences, something Caroline was certainly not going to allow anymore.

That and it was ridiculously amusing watching him flip out over any little thing they did.

But mostly because he had it coming.

Rebekah and Elijah were not immune to the dealings of The Destructive Duo by any means. Missing designer shoes and secretly cancelled dates were common revenge tactics used against the Original sister, and even stepping foot into Elijah's suit closet was enough to set him off on a nervous flurry of activity, searching every suit thoroughly for tampering. Since they lived in the same house, it was just more likely they would do something to set off either Kol or Caroline.

Couldn't be helped, really.

Their pranking also extended to their friends and other supernatural acquaintances (can't play favorites, of course). The Salvatore brothers, Elena, Tyler, Marcel, Enzo; they all knew better than to purposely provoke either prankster. Even Matt and Jeremy were on the receiving end of a few milder pranks, on Caroline's insistence (she was definitely not going to be the one responsible for finally getting either boy killed).

Bonnie was another story, though. You had to be careful when pranking a Bennett witch, they had learned the hard way. Or mostly Kol had, being unable to sit for a week after Bonnie had caught him stealing her underwear in response to something Caroline couldn't even remember. She did, however, remember the oddly dreamy look Kol got in his eyes every time they passed Victoria's Secret at the mall, and she really did not want to know why.

And of course when Katherine showed back up, she was also fair game. Though the three had since struck up a tentative truce after a particularly nasty prank involving Kat's favorite stilettoes and some super glue and glitter had resulted in Caroline ending up with green hair for two weeks and Kol's saved episodes of Gossip Girl being erased from the DVR. The two knew a worthy opponent when they saw one.

Honestly, if Kol was being truthful (which he made the effort to hardly ever be) he would have to admit that Katherine convincing Elijah to move her into their house and to hell with what Klaus had to say about it (and he definitely had some things to say about it), was the greatest prank to ever be pulled.

No one messed with Katherine Pierce and got away with it (for more than five centuries or so, anyway).

So the two odd friends were quite content in the way things were. Get jilted, enlist the help of their compatriot, scheme a little scheme, and annoy the crap out of someone they (mostly) cared about. Why mess with perfection?

Until one day when a prank went horribly wrong (in everyone besides Kol's opinion, anyway. He thought it was hilarious).

It was yet another prank against Klaus, and being that it would be their thousandth exactly (Kol kept track on his blog, for posterity's sake), they decided to up the ante a bit. Klaus had been working on a painting for an abnormal amount of time (which was saying something, since the hybrid liked to obsess over every detail normally), so what better prank than to mess with it?

Well, it turned out that the painting was a portrait of Caroline. A birthday present for the blonde vampire. One she apparently ended up deciding she really loved. Before it was coated in mayonnaise and mustard and meal worms.

"You've gone too far this time, Kol!" an enraged and mayo-covered hybrid yelled.

"I don't know why you're yelling at me, the worms were Caroline's idea!"

Klaus turned a surprised and somewhat hurt, condiment-laden look on the girl next to him who was refusing to meet his eyes. "Is that true, sweetheart? Did you not like my gift for your birthday?"

He sounded so hurt, Caroline couldn't stand it.

"No, of course not, Klaus. I-it was all Kol this time," she said sadly, refusing to meet either of their eyes. "I wouldn't ruin such a beautiful thing," she added, trying to sound convincing.

So she threw her partner in crime under the proverbial bus.

Kol immediately turned his dark glare onto the traitorous vampire. "Et tu Brute? I am shocked, Caroline," he said, looking much less put out than his tone implied. "Slightly impressed at your nerve, but still, shocked."

Caroline could only meet his eyes for a fraction of a second before the guilt overwhelmed her. First Klaus and now Kol were both disappointed in her. And her birthday present was ruined. And the art room smelled like a deli. And the sun was just starting to filter in the room and ugh she could just imagine the smell. Plus this is how you get ants.

This was just not her day.

"This has got to be the most juvenile thing you've pulled yet, Kol!" Klaus yelled, completely buying Caroline's story. "You are going to clean this whole disgusting mess up yourself and you will apologize to Caroline for ruining her birthday!"

Kol shot his brother a sneer, never one to take orders (unless they involved death and maiming, those he didn't mind). "And if I don't?" he asked, raising a taunting brow.

"Then I will dispose of the Collector's Edition DVDs of Gilmore Girls that you keep in the bottom leftmost shelf in your closet behind your ironic fedora collection," Klaus threatened, eyes flashing yellow.

"You wouldn't dare!" Kol hissed, eyes narrowed in both rage and fear.

"Wouldn't I?" Klaus asked, locked in a staring contest with his younger brother. "Would you really leave the fate of the quirky yet loving mother-daughter pair in my hands?"

"Fine!" Kol acquiesced, knowing better than to risk his precious Lorelais. "Forgive me, Caroline," he spat, managing to keep most of the animosity out of his voice. "I promise to _make it up to you_ soon."

Caroline barely repressed her shudder at the chill in his voice and just gave him a nod.

"I swear, you're just a child," Klaus tsked, flicking a glob of mustard from his nose. "Now, get to work!"

Kol watched as the two left the room, one leaving white and yellow footprints in his wake.

"Oh yes, I will definitely be 'getting to work,'" he muttered, already reaching for his phone to send a text. "And by that I mean planning my revenge," he informed the meal worm that was currently attempting to crawl across his shoulder.

_Yes, revenge will be mine!_ Kol thought as he used a discarded Henley to mop up some of the slop with his foot. _But first, I should really see if Bekah would like a sandwich,_ he told himself, eyeing up a particularly large puddle of mayo and mustard with an evil smirk.


	5. Kol Does Revenge- Part II

**AKA Talk Dirty To Me**

**This is the second part of the drabble I wrote for Klaroline Fools on Tumblr.**

**And it is all bravebadassprincess' fault, so don't even ask ;)**

* * *

"... You want me to what?"

"Come on, darling, it's just a simple curse, really. No problem for a witch of your calibre," he sweet talked, laying on the charm as only he could.

"I never said it would be a problem, it's just… odd."

"Well, you know me. I like to be creative!"

"Mmm," she murmured noncommittally, eyeing the sly-eyed brunette before her. "Alright, fine. I do owe you," she admitted, sighing at the gleeful yet somehow malevolent look that crossed the man's face. "But no one can know I was involved, okay? The last thing I need is your brother or my best friend finding out about this."

Kol tried to hide his smirk behind a reassuring smile, which only ended up making him look more devious than before, and certainly far from comforting. "Of course, my dear Bonbon! They will be none the wiser."

Bonnie rolled her eyes as she tried to ignore the mental image of Kol with his head thrown back in maniacal laughter that flashed through her head suddenly. She knew she was going to regret this…

* * *

"Klaus," Caroline moaned as he kissed along her neck, drawing patterns with his tongue as he slid ever downward.

The hybrid grinned as he continued to pull noises from the goddess above him, settling himself between her legs to enjoy his prize. "Mmm, you're already ready for my willy," he murmured against her skin huskily.

Caroline simply moaned in response, ignoring the spare thought that he had said something odd just then, too focused on the feeling of his fingers between her thighs.

"That's it, sweetheart, tell me how much you want my dingaling in your hoohah."

"Yes, Klaus, I- wait, what did you say?" the blonde asked suddenly, lifting her head to stare down at him, frowning slightly as she tried to make sense of what he had just said.

He peered up at her, mouth inches from her heated flesh, a sight which would have had her seconds away from climax, if not for the words that left his lips next. "I was saying how delicious your flower tastes and how I can't wait to put my wee wee in your wet moo moo."

Caroline looked at him as if he had sprouted a second head, which would have admittedly been less creepy to her at that exact moment, and scooted back up the bed away from him. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Looking at her as if she was the odd one, he sat upright. "I'm not sure what you mean, love," Klaus said with a frown, annoyed at the pause in their activities.

"Seriously? What the hell is a 'moo moo?!'"

He looked at her as if she had gone insane. "What are you talking about, Caroline?"

Now she was getting angry. "You just said something about my 'moo moo,' Klaus."

"I have no idea what you are referring to."

"Oh my god," she muttered to herself exasperatedly, annoyed that she was both having this conversation and also being denied her orgasm. "Tell me what you said, then!"

Klaus rolled his eyes as he rearranged his legs underneath him, resigned that he wasn't going to get to touch Caroline again any time soon. "I think it was something along the lines of I want to stick my weiner in your no-no bits."

Caroline's face turned a bright shade of red as she let out a screech that could be heard across the house. "OH MY GOD KLAUS, YOU SOUND LIKE A PEDOPHILE! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!"

* * *

Kol eagerly stared up the staircase, a devilish smirk on his face as he awaited the appearance of his brother and his lover. He knew his plan for revenge had worked as soon as he had heard Caroline's scream and he couldn't wait to gloat; that was the best part, after all.

He didn't have to wait long before a door slammed open and a very angry and upset looking Caroline stormed down the stairs, an equally upset and confused looking Klaus on her heels.

"Seriously, Klaus, I don't know what's wrong with you, but I am not having sex with you until you get it fixed!"

"Sweetheart, please, I don't know what you mean!" Klaus pleaded, shooting his brother a glare as they reached the bottom of the stairs before turning back to the blonde vampire. "I didn't say anything out of the ordinary!"

If she hadn't been looking at him as if he had completely lost his mind before, which she had been, then she certainly was now. "That's disgusting."

Klaus let out a frustrated groan before Kol interrupted them.

"Trouble in paradise?" he asked cheekily.

Caroline shot him a frown, as if she had just noticed his presence. "You could say that…" she admitted slowly, knowing better than to give Kol too much information. As much as she loved him, she knew him too well for that. Plus there was the whole her betraying him bit. Yeah, probably best to not say too much.

"Aw, what's the matter? Realized Nik is just as 'juvenile' as the rest of us?" Kol taunted, barely able to contain his glee.

Her eyes narrowed, her mind registering his words as more than just mere coincidence; nothing was ever just a coincidence where Kol was concerned. "Do you know something, Kol?" Caroline asked, already suspicious.

"Who, me? What would I know, I'm 'just a child?'" he asked, sly grin belying his innocent tone.

"Gosh darnit, Kol! If you did something, you had better say so right now!"

There were a few seconds of pure silence before Kol nearly fell over in laughter, Caroline staring at Klaus slacked jawed as they both registered what he had just said.

"It worked better than I expected!" Kol howled with laughter, pointing at his extremely displeased looking brother.

"What the fudge did you do, Kol?" Klaus demanded, his words causing the other man to only laugh louder.

Caroline's eye twitched as she listened to the exchange, part of her still refusing to believe her ears.

"Well, if you must know, my dear brother, I had a witch, no one you know, of course, cast a spell on you," Kol declared, not the least bit remorseful as he stared down his short-tempered brother. "It turns your words into those of a child. I figured since you claim to know so much about me being one, then you might as well talk like one too. You know, so you could understand me better."

"Of all the dumbhead things you've ever done…" Klaus began, his anger trailing off as his words began to register in his ears. "What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks am I saying?" he demanded, eyes widening even as he spoke.

"Even better!" Kol guffawed, amused to no end by this recent revelation. "It appears once you're aware of the spell you also become aware of what you're actually saying. I think I owe a certain witch something extra nice for this."

"Kol, you had better find somewhere to hide, and quickly, because when I get a hold of you-"

"What? You'll remove my 'willy?' Well, I guess since yours isn't going to get any action anytime soon if the look on Caroline's face is any indication, I might as well get some attention."

Kol laughed as he dodged a lunge from the hybrid, smartly placing himself behind the aforementioned blonde.

"I guess it's not like they say after all. Revenge is a dish best served hot," he cackled, unable to control his laughter, heedless of the growing growl coming from his brother. "Or perhaps I should say lukewarm. Wouldn't you agree, Caroline? You certainly look like your fire's been put out."

"I swear, Kol, I am going to BEEEEEEEEEEEP!"

They both turned to look at Klaus, a black line suddenly appearing in front of his mouth as he let out a high pitched tone instead of words. The hybrid seemed equally perplexed, the floating line disappearing and the noise stopping as he finished speaking.

"... Klaus?" Caroline questioned, unsure if she was seeing and hearing things, though the reaction of Kol her told her otherwise.

The younger brother suddenly fell over laughing, rolling around on the floor uncontrollably as he struggled to form coherent words. Caroline thought she could make out "too good" and "best spell ever" but she couldn't be sure.

As he watched his brother roll around the plush carpet, Klaus' anger quickly returned.

"You little BEEP I'm going to BEEP BEEEEEP you so hard you BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEP for a week!"

Caroline tried to keep a straight face, but the return of the black line and the multitude of cut off "-cks" she could hear around the beeps were making such a feat impossible. Klaus' face dropped as soon as the first giggle left her lips, her hand quickly moving to cover the offending slip.

"Sweetheart, you too?" he questioned, eyes wide and raspberry lips extended in a pout.

She tried waving him off even as more laughter escaped her mouth. "I'm sorry Klaus, it's just, I mean, come on! You have to admit it's kind of funny."

"I have to do no such thing!" he hissed, eyes narrowing sullenly.

"'Kind of funny?'" Kol asked, finally pulling himself off the floor, holding his aching sides. "It's downright hilarious! One of my best, if I do say so myself."

"Oh, I'll show you best! Best I've ever made someone go night-night forever!" Klaus yelled, his threat immediately losing all effect as the words left his mouth.

Kol continued to laugh, nearly tripping over his own feet as he fled from the irate hyrbid, who continued to try and spew watered down threats as he gave chase, leaving Caroline to sigh and wonder what it was like to be friends with sane people.

* * *

**I hope you all enjoyed that, it was hilarious to write ;) And those are all actual words people use, I made up zero of them, which makes everything even weirder as far as I'm concerned!**


	6. The Dress

**Because Caryn and Monika are terrible people, basically.**

* * *

"It's fucking blue and black, Klaus!"

Elijah sighed, shifting the newspaper in his hand as he attempted to finish reading the article he had started over forty-five minutes ago once again.

"Caroline, I'm a thousand years old. And an artist. I think I know my colors, love, and that dress is white and gold."

"Well maybe your eyesight has deteriorated over time, old man, because I know clothes, and it's blue andblack!"

"Are they still at it?" Rebekah sighed irritably as she flopped onto the couch next to the eldest Original.

Elijah merely gave her a long-suffering sidelong glance before returning to his paper.

"Look! This site says it's blue and black! Take that you Original Whiner!"

"Pfft, like I will take the word of a simple human as truth! I know what I know, Caroline, and that dress is white and gold."

"Argh, you are infuriating! You can never admit when you're wrong, can you?"

"I wouldn't know, since I never am, sweetheart."

Rebekah winced at the sound of breaking glass before she turned once again to Elijah. "Are you really just going to sit here and let them destroy the house?"

Elijah sighed the sigh of one who has endured many hardships, which he certainly had, in the last hour alone. "Rebekah, do you remember the Flappy Bird incident?"

The blonde snorted. "How could I forget? They argued about who was better for an entire day! Nik even broke my tablet!"

Elijah nodded, ever stoic even as the volume of the yelling coming from the kitchen increased. "And what happened after that?"

"After?" Rebekah asked, brows furrowed in confusion. The Original considered his words for a minute, unsure what her brother was getting at. "I don't-"

"Oh god, my eyes!"

Rebekah whipped her head around to see Kol stumble back out of the kitchen, hand over his eyes as he let out an impressive string of curses. "Kol?"

"The kitchen is a communal space, Nik! Keep your sexcapades confined to your own rooms for the love of everything!" Kol yelled at the now closed kitchen door, stomping his way to the chair next to Rebekah. "Do you know how many times I have seen his ass since Caroline moved in? More times than in the last thousand years combined, and we used to share a room!" he complained to his now snickering sister.

"Ah, yes, that's right," she said, turning to Elijah and ignoring Kol's pout. "The makeup sex. How could I forget?"

"I wish I could," Kol groused, slouching back moodily in his seat. "I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't always Nik's anatomy I walked in to see on full display, but I never have any luck."

"You're disgusting," Rebekah frowned, scrunching her face up at Kol's answering stuck out tongue.

"Speaking of disgusting…" Kol began, looking pointedly at the door separating them from the increasing loud and increasingly indecent noises coming from the other room.

"Yes, perhaps we should attempt to find dinner elsewhere tonight?" Elijah suggested, knowing his siblings would need no further encouragement as he swiftly headed towards the front door.

Caroline flopped back onto the table, feeling thoroughly sated as Klaus rolled off of her and came to rest beside her, pulling her into his side.

"I do enjoy fighting with you, love," he purred into her ear, voice still gruff and tired.

"Mmm," she agreed, resting her head against his arm.

Klaus closed his eyes, enjoying the relaxing calm that always came after being with Caroline.

"But it's still blue and black."


End file.
